It will be what you make it!

This year started off hard. 

Before I get into the why, I want to say that just because the year started off kind of crappy (and that's putting it nicely) that I know there is a silver lining to everything, Heavenly Father is aware of us, and life is what you make it. 

There are good things in store for us this year, even if it's not what we are planning or what we want. 

In order to tell this story I need to go back a few months. 

June 2015. We told the world of our plans for surrogacy. There was a humbling response with social media and we were so thankful. On the same weekend in August a couple of sweet angel family members had come forward and offered to be our surrogate, both within 24 hours of each other. With the two people that came forward, we had a very difficult decision to make. So we went to the temple, we fasted, we prayed. We decided on Tyler's Aunt Janalee to help us with what seemed like an insurmountable mountainous climb. Honestly, she was the less obvious choice for a few reasons but the Lord told us what to do and we found out that it all made sense later. 

So we started the process way back in September. First with some testing. The results weren't ideal. 

Without showing any signs or symptoms, Jannie was anemic and pre diabetic. 

It was something we could work with though and it was good know so she could work on being healthy not only for the surrogacy process but for herself and her family as well. 

She started on medications to help with both issues and we tested a few weeks later receiving results that her numbers were better but still not where they needed to be. 

We did that 3 more times total with the last appointment being on December 18th. Each time I was a total wreck before her tests came each week. I suffered, my family suffered because I shut down a little bit, trying not to get my hopes up and trying to be realistic. By her follow up appointment in November we decided to try putting her on birth control so she didn't menstruate to help resolve the anemia. It worked!

That brought us to December 19th. That follow up appointment was the one we had been waiting for!

Her numbers were perfect. So we scheduled a follow up call with our fertility Dr. the Wednesday before Christmas. We were all ready to go, Doc was on board and we had our legal appointment scheduled for the first Monday in January! Wahoo! It was finally happening. 

We didn't know it until the Monday after Christmas but Jannie started bleeding the night we talked to our Dr. and through the next few days it got worse and worse and worse. 

I got a text Monday afternoon that Jannie was rushed to their clinic/ER because she was bleeding, nobody really said it but the real word here is hemorrhaging. A word I despise with my entire being. 

The ensuing hours were scary. She was bleeding faster than they could put it in her. After the second transfusion and some medications they were able to finally get the bleeding to slow and her numbers started to go up which was good because if it didn't she was going to need to be flown up here to SL to a better equipped facility. 

4 transfusions, a lot of other fluids and a night in the clinic and she was released to go home. 

There was an elephant in the room but I think we all knew what this meant for the surrogacy process. 

From the very beginning we have said there is no purpose in having a life to take a life. Jannie knew this. 

They travelled up here to SL and on New Years Eve we all met with our fertility Dr. 

Our Uncle Erik asked our Doc one simple, straightforward question that everyone was thinking but no one wanted to ask. He said, "If it was your wife what would you do?" 

No hesitation and Dr. Blauer said, "I would not recommend her to be a Gestational Surrogate and I would recommend a hysterectomy." That was it. The tears flowed and it was not easy to go through that but it was what was best.
In my opinion, and I'm not the only one who feels this way, Jannie would have gone out fighting if anyone but a Dr. would've said those words. She truly wanted to do this for us and we wanted her to. Clearly there was another plan, there was more for us to learn, other things for us to learn. 

So Dr. Blauer recommended a Dr. (who happened to be a Dr. that was with me during part of my hospital stay after Brynlee was born) and they got the surgery scheduled. 

The week following was very emotional. Knowing I had been struggling to feel like myself for several days, I asked Tyler to be patient with me as I tried to cope with what all of this meant. Of course he said ok but asked me to bring his wife back to him. That broke my heart and I knew I had to stop letting the emotional roller coaster of it all consume me like it was.

So I did the only thing I could think of to be useful/helpful.
I donated blood.
Jannie is O+ and so am I.
Even though my blood wouldn't go directly to her or in her name, I still did it in her name and for her.

People say hindsight is 20/20 and I agree. However, Heavenly Father doesn't need hindsight to know that something happened for a reason. He knew all along that this was going to happen and that it needed to happen not only for Jannie and Erik but for me and Ty too. This helped them and it helped us for reasons that are maybe a bit too complex to get into over a blog post but I'd be happy to share them if anyone wants to ask. 

In my attempt to control this situation and process, more or less the timing of it, I completely missed what Heavenly Father was trying to teach me. I specifically remember a time in the temple, doing sealings back in November that the spirit gave me a distinct impression that it will all be ok. Well I thought that meant that everything was going to go perfectly well and we would be on the road to having babies by that time next year. I rehearsed that over and over to people and even had the gall to basically announce we would be having a baby in 2016 on our Christmas card. How humiliating. I set myself up for failure on that one for sure. No, what Heavenly Father is trying to teach me is that it's all in His time, on His watch, it's all in His hands, not mine. 

So I have to let that go. Of course we will do our part. Of course we will put forth our best effort. But going back to what we said in the beginning, we will go through this process to have a baby (babies), but if it doesn't work out then we tried, we gave the Lord the opportunity to bless us with children because of our efforts. However, if that is not the end result then we will have no regrets and we will patiently wait for the time in the next life that we can raise the big family we always wanted. 

I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry while writing this post but I would also be lying if I said I haven't learned anything either. Hopefully I've learned a lot of what I'm supposed to. Ty seems to be disappointed that it's been such a rough process but he has the faith of a mustard seed and is my rock! I have leaned upon him and his faith so much throughout this process it's almost disgraceful to say how faithless I've been but it's helping me grow and teaching me to be patient with myself. I refuse to let doubt, depression, anxiety, and/or fear get the better of me. I know better and my Father in Heaven knows me better than that too. 

So now we are searching. Soul searching, people/surrogate searching.

Back to where we were in June but so much further along. 

If you can dream it, you can do it!

"A dream is a wish your heart makes, when your fast asleep," sings a beautiful princess. Our dream of one day having another bouncing baby (or two) is a hillside away. With the many financial facets of Surrogacy we are wishing on a star and (metaphorically) rubbing our magic lamp. Over two years ago we made it a priority to pay off debt in order for us to afford this process. Now it's on to the humbling nature of asking for help. We have put together a Fundraising Yard Sale to help with the costs. If you are wanting to help us build our family but don't know how, this is the perfect way!
Check it out!

Good always comes to those who have courage and are kind.

Once upon a time we dream of being adults, we plan our futures, and expect no less than a Hans Christian Andersen conclusion that we have heard time and time again as we drifted off to sleep as children.  But, what is a fairytale without a plot twist? Alice down the rabbit hole. Cinderella locked in the tower. Ariel, voiceless watching Eric marry Ursula. The tragedy is vital to a good story. It lures us in, helps us love the characters and makes us even more excited when the good guys win in the end.

The Thomas family fairytale is no less of an exciting tale. We have our handsome, curly haired Prince Tyler who works hard, is obsessed with a green lawn, soccer and Ramen salad.  Bree, with hair of pure silk, hands built for healing massage,  a saintly maiden who (if Science allowed) would for sure have the gift of speaking to rats and singing joyfully as birds cleaned her house.  A blind date made them lovers, marriage made them eternal and having a baby would change their lives in a way that no one could have anticipated.

August 24, 2009 angels rejoiced and the townspeople cheered as the teeny bundle of Brynlee Jade came into the world after 45 hours of labor. A cherubic combination of her parents and a welcome addition to a family that planned to raise five babies at least. Baby snuggles and newborn cuddling would have to wait- our maiden was in peril.  A postpartum hemorrhage threatened to take her life- the bleeding would not stop, the doctor was concerned. 12 transfusions, two bags of plasma, and one bag of platelets were necessary to keep her from slipping away. Bree spent those first precious moments of Brynlee’s life; first bath, skin to skin time, nursing, gazing at a sleeping day old baby, seeing this little person that was once inside living and breathing on the outside- in the ICU as her body struggled to heal from the trauma that had almost overtaken.   The doctors said that Bree was “one foot over the waterfall” and that taking her uterus was necessary to saving her life. The very medium that would carry multiple babies was gone. Babies became “baby” and the Thomas family became three. 12 days in the hospital, with Brynlee being discharged on day 2 and this new family was released to piece together those delicate fragments of happiness for the new life they were given and sadness/bitterness/grief/pain for what seemed lost forever.

Happy memories were made.  Brynlee grew into the fairest in the land with her trusty “steed”, a miniature Yorkie Toby, by her side. Although life was good, sorrow would always find a way to creep in. Sorrow for a life that seemed to be damaged or unfulfilled. And then, in comes the magic.

Modern medicine has paved the way for this sweet family to have more babies. Babies that look like them, have their personalities and wispy hair like their sister. IVF allowed for three frozen embryos- the magic of science did what Bree’s body could not. Three tiny pieces of the Thomas family that are just waiting patiently in an icy slumber.

And so we wait. We wait for more magic. We wait for a sweet surrogate- someone willing to house these precious babies and give the Thomas family their happily ever after, a fairy God Mother perhaps.  A woman that unselfishly and willingly will play host to these angel babies waiting to join their big sister. The sacrifice is monumental. The journey may be paved with challenge but in the end, we know that stories with the happiest endings are those where dragons are slain and good always comes to those who have courage and are kind.